he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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