AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
