How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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