I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
