hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
