This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
