My cat gives me a boner
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
