I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Randomize
