mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
