I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
false alarm. still invincible.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
