I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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