you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Fuck appropriateness.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize