I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
