I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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