I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
