I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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