I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Hello my rib-scented angel!
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
