Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
