I will die if light touches me.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
is this the sara with the beer cane?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize