I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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