i love accidental penises.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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