Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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