You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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