Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
