my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Randomize
