My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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