Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
