one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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