I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
