Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
