I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize