On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
