mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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