i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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