I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
