I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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