It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
