Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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