I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Randomize
