Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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