I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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