I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Randomize
