You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Randomize
