I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
