im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
