the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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