My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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