That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
