some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Randomize
