Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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