I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
