Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
