If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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