I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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