Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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