i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
