first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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