i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
