I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
