fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
