I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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