You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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