Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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