Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
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