fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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