I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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